Wednesday, September 7, 2005

And Justice for All, At Least Until Bedtime

There is yet another opening on the supreme court. According to the story I read on the web, the position is "wide open." That's terrific. I'd like to submit myself as a qualified individual able and ready to serve my country in comfy, loose-fitting black robes. I don't have a law degree but that's something I can pick-up eventually. However, I do have years of litigation and judicial experience.

I have two daughters, 9 and 13. I've seen my share of bloody fights, claims of constitutional-level injustice, and I have had to balance my children's wants with their best interests. In short, I have experience using a combination of common sense, my wits, and a bit of nearly psychic intuition to make various assorted decisions. I have also worked on interpreting the law of my household based on documents which set forth the principles on which my family is based.

Submitted for your approval, the working copy of one section of our family constitution:

Family Constitution
Articles of Childhood Behavior

1. No teasing.

2. I said NO teasing.

3. No whining. If you whine at a parent, don't be surprised if your parent whines back but harder and longer to show you how annoying it is.

4. The golden rule applies and will be enforced with logical consequences.

5. Yes, writing lines is logical.

6. Yes, even push-ups.

7. When parents aren’t around and children are asked to look after one another, the oldest will remember that peace is the priority and parents will sort out the rest when they get home.

8. Never ask one parent a question and go to the other with the same question, hoping for a better answer. The parents in this family communicate with each other and when they find out, you will not only NOT get the aspired-for privilege but you will lose all others until you forgot what it was you wanted in the first place.

9. No, I can't lock your sister in the basement to live out her childhood or until you are grown-up whichever comes first/last.

10. Watch each other's backs because this is your FAMILY and you're stuck with us as much as we're stuck with you.

11. Parents may respond to logically-posed queries concerning the veracity of our statements/punishments. Refrain from statements of infinite permanence or using blanket statements such as "she always..." or "she never...." These serve no purpose except to prove that you aren't responding logically.
For example: You are grounded until forever because you always tell us that we're unfair and you never use a logical argument to make a point about how unfair we are.

12. We know you're not a Vulcan (see the Articles of Basic Family Knowledge, sub-section: We Are Geeks, Live With It, sub-sub-section: Star Trek) so you are entitled to emotional outbursts but please remember that we're likely to point out the logical fallacies of your statements in the end (see the Articles of Basic Family Knowledge, sub-section: We Are Geeks, Live With It, All.)

13. Be nice.

14. Brush your teeth.

15. Clean that sticky stuff off your bedroom floor.

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