Thursday, January 19, 2006

Three New Diets for 2006

This year, like the last several, my New Years resolution has been to lose weight and eat healthier. In keeping with tradition, this lasted part of the first day and has since been ignored. Now that I'm getting back on the bandwagon, I've been researching weight loss methods and am forced to conclude that they are all inadequate. So I've developed three new plans which are sure to revolutionize weight loss as we know it.

The Induced Coma Diet
In this radical diet plan the body is put into a medically-induced coma while a watered-down glucose drip helps maintain hydration. This eliminates the element of willpower involved in most diets. At least the depravation of calories is hard to notice when one is in a comatose state. For those who just can't bring themselves to eat another carrot stick or spend another minute on the treadmill, this is the ultamite weight-loss plan.

There are risks, of course. Problems reviving someone from a coma must be considered. You shouldn't worry about this, however, because this plan results in guaranteed weight loss. In the end, you may not be conscious, but you will look good.

The Flu Diet
Every year the Center for Disease Control examines the strains of flu going around to determine which is the most likely to strike the population that year. Is it going to be the Austro-Asian Fevoid Flu or the Euro-Atlantic Grossiod Flu? The process is long and difficult and, in the end, millions of people get their flu shots hoping to stave off this sometimes devestating illness. This year, I'm rethinking this plan. Every time I get the flu, the resulting listlessness and vomiting make it nearly impossible for me to want to eat, let alone hold down food. Once I regain my ability to eat I'm excited by the culinary delights offered by a can of broth. I usually lose several pounds, all without excercise.

In this diet plan, we allow the CDC to solve the weight problems of faced by our increasingly obese nation. The problem is, once you come down with a strain of the flu, it's unlikely you can be striken again. However, the CDC must have thousands of different flu viruses stored in their big freezers. By creating an arsenal of various flu strains to which dieters can be exposed, we virtually eliminate the possibility of immunity to the devestating effects and create the possibility of amazing weight loss. So forget the flu shot and bring on the Martian flu!

The Online Gaming Diet
This year most of us in my family have become hopelessly addicted to the game World of Warcraft. While I can avoid turning it on and spend days without even playing, once I do play, I get totally sucked in.

"Hello? What do you mean pick the kids up from school? I just dropped them off!"
"But it's 5:00 and, by law, we have to send the kids home from school before their bedtime."
"O.K., I'll be there just as soon as I kill off the Horde infiltrators..."

As long as I'm gaming, I forget eating and sleeping. Somehow they become less important than the triumph of good over evil. "They're just pixels" I tell the kids when their computer time is over but I don't mean it, not really. Online games are compelling and can easily replace eating. This is the basic principle behind the Online Gaming Diet.

When you are examining your life, looking for ways to lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle, consider an addiction to online gaming. It's a logical choice. It's hard to change long-standing eating habits so start an entirely new habit to replace eating altogether. Once you've lost the weight, you can break the habit. There's probably a 12-step program out there somewhere. It's got to be easier than changing your diet and exercise habits, doesn't it?

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